25
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
MR. BURNS
You mean I have pneumonia?
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Yes.
MR. BURNS
Juvenile diabetes?
MR. BURNS
Hysterical pregnancy?
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
MR. BURNS
I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
MR. BURNS
This sounds like bad news.
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
MR. BURNS
Well... [looks at his watch]
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Here's the door to your body, see? [bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk] And these are oversized novelty germs. [points to a different one up as he names each disease] That's influenza, that's bronchitis, [holds up one] and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. [tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck] [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead. [normal voice] We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
MR. BURNS
So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
DOCTOR HIBBERT
Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
MR. BURNS
Indestructible.
6
MR. BURNS
Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
6
MR. BURNS
Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.
5
RADIO ANNOUNCER
So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
MR. BURNS
Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.
3
MR. BURNS
I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.
2
MR. BURNS
Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
2
NED FLANDERS
So, recycling is just our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug!
MR. BURNS
Yes, well, it does sound delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon!
MR. BURNS
Release the hounds.
MR. BURNS
Well, neighbor, I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.
NED FLANDERS
Aaahhhh! [he sees the hounds coming and runs away]
2
MR. BURNS
[Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?
SMITHERS
Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
MR. BURNS
[Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?
HANS MOLEMAN
I was saying "Boo-urns"!
2
MR. BURNS
[to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
SMITHERS
Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
MR. BURNS
Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
2
HOMER SIMPSON
Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.
BANK CLERK
Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
MR. BURNS
Hello.
HOMER SIMPSON
Aah!
MR. BURNS
Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
MR. BURNS
Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
HOMER SIMPSON
Us-ury?
MR. BURNS
Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
HOMER SIMPSON
I want to buy a pony.
MR. BURNS
Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!
MR. BURNS
That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
HOMER SIMPSON
No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...
SMITHERS
Shut up, Simpson.
HOMER SIMPSON
Sorry.
SMITHERS
Do you have any collateral?
MR. BURNS
Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.
MR. BURNS
[as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]
MR. BURNS
Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
SMITHERS
I didn't do anything funny, sir.
MR. BURNS
[whispering] Shut up!