2
DIANA TRENT
But that's probably why men exist, hm?
JANE
To give us stomach upset.
DIANA TRENT
Mm, yes. Yes, it is in the stomach, isn't it, that funny feeling?
JANE
Oh, yes, yes. I used to get that when I saw Harvey's hair-oil stain on his pillow. I thought it was love, but it was probably... thingy.
DIANA TRENT
Yeah. Thingy. Bloody thingy!
DIANA TRENT
Shut up, Jane!
1
JENNY
Mr Bains asked if he could have a word with you after lunch, as representatives of the inmates... I mean the residents.
DIANA TRENT
What about?
TOM BALLARD
Probably a new economy drive. Wants to shoot one in five of us.
JENNY
Or the Summer Fête.
TOM BALLARD
Ah, yes, the fête worse than death.
0
DIANA TRENT
Oh! Oh! Ohh! Will you look at that! Now that's very interesting.
JANE
What is in it?
DIANA TRENT
Mind your own business.
JANE
Is it another missive from those Age Concern people?
DIANA TRENT
Yes.
JANE
I've been meaning to talk to you about them.
DIANA TRENT
Oh, really?
JANE
It's Harvey's blood pressure, you see.
DIANA TRENT
Harvey doesn't have blood in his veins, Jane. He runs on oil.
JANE
He's a very sensitive person.
DIANA TRENT
Jane.
JANE
And the more you provoke him, the greater strain you put on his delicate heart.
DIANA TRENT
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
JANE
You- You just don't realize that within that simple exterior there hides the soul of a poet.
DIANA TRENT
Ooo-ugh [mimes vomiting]
JANE
Yes, he, he is still a mortal man. If you prick him, does he not bleed?
DIANA TRENT
No, he does not. He squirts pure multi-grade.
JANE
Oh, Dia...
JANE
Oh, do shut up, Jane. I, in conjunction with these very splendid people, am going to pull this place into the twentieth century if it kills me. Or better yet if it kills Harvey Bains.
0
GEOFFREY
Hello, Diana. Everything all right?
DIANA TRENT
Well, it depends on how you look at life, Geoffrey.
GEOFFREY
Sorry?
DIANA TRENT
Your wife is back.
GEOFFREY
Really? She OK?
DIANA TRENT
What would you prefer, Geoffrey: an addled slattern or a new-age puddle-duck spouting gibberish?
GEOFFREY
What?
DIANA TRENT
You'll see.
GEOFFREY
I must go to her. [he starts off, then turns back] If Marion's back, why are you still here?
DIANA TRENT
Ah. Yes, well, that's the other thing I wanted to ask you, Geoffrey. I wonder if you would be so kind as to check your main sewage outlet for a small brass key. [moves to show she is handcuffed to the car]
0
DIANA TRENT
I'm trying to drain the blood from my feet.
TOM BALLARD
Oh, good idea. Why?
DIANA TRENT
'Cause I spent half the night dancing with naked men.
TOM BALLARD
What did you do the other half of the night?
DIANA TRENT
Dragged Jane off naked men. You know, I think they were the first she'd ever seen. Her conversion made Saint Paul's Damascus Road number look like a housewife having a bit of a dither in Tesco's.
0
JANE
Morning. There. Comfy, are we?
DIANA TRENT
The word is comfortable, you simpering nelly.
JANE
Oh, you do make a mess around you. What's this roll doing here?
DIANA TRENT
Why don't you ask it? Or don't you speak roll?
0
DIANA TRENT
[Indicating Marion] Someone cut that woman's throat.
MARION
And you, you're just, just... a loose tart!
DIANA TRENT
Get me a knife, I'll do it meself.
0
DIANA TRENT
C'mon. We are going in search of some real traffic and real people.
TOM BALLARD
Where?
DIANA TRENT
Brighton.
TOM BALLARD
Brighton? Does Brighton really exist beyond the confines of naughty postcards?
DIANA TRENT
Possibly not, but we'll go and have a look. We'll take the Porsche. I'll drive and you can run up a huge bill on my niece's car-phone.
TOM BALLARD
Brighton! Porsche. Car-phone. Goodness. [pause] I'm going to be a *guppie*!
0
DIANA TRENT
Come on, Tom, get a move on. Time and art classes wait for no man.
TOM BALLARD
I am the famous explorer, not the famous native bearer.
DIANA TRENT
Well, just count yourself lucky I don't sculpt sodding great blocks of marble. Come on.
0
DIANA TRENT
What do you want, Jane, or did you just come round to be wet?
JANE
It's Harvey. I'm very worried about his behaviour.
DIANA TRENT
Grave-robbing again, is he?
JANE
He seems to be under a lot of stress.
TOM BALLARD
Oh dear. Poor little treasure.
JANE
He thinks life has passed him by.
DIANA TRENT
Oh dear, well, we must just get life not to pass him by. We must get life to back up and run him over.