0
CHARLIE KELLY
I mean shit, if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins!
0
BRUCE
We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
FRANK REYNOLDS
AIDS? You touch anybody?
BRUCE
Well, sure.
FRANK REYNOLDS
Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
DEE REYNOLDS
Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
FRANK REYNOLDS
I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!
0
FRANK REYNOLDS
I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
DENNIS REYNOLDS
Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
FRANK REYNOLDS
I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]
0
DENNIS REYNOLDS
Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!
CHARLIE KELLY
Round the crew up!
DENNIS REYNOLDS
And let's have a kick-ass party!
CHARLIE KELLY
We got the diary! And the crew!
DENNIS REYNOLDS, CHARLIE KELLY
[singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
MAC
[checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.
0
CHARLIE KELLY
You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.
MAC
You knew that it was a dick?!
CHARLIE KELLY
Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.
DENNIS REYNOLDS
It was always meant to be a bicep.
CHARLIE KELLY
Well why didn’t you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.
0
LAWYER
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
DENNIS REYNOLDS
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
DEE REYNOLDS
No, just get to the reading part.
FRANK REYNOLDS
Get on with it, man. Let's go.
LAWYER
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
FRANK REYNOLDS
Yo!
LAWYER
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
DENNIS REYNOLDS
What?!
DEE REYNOLDS
What?!
FRANK REYNOLDS
Bruce Mathis?!
LAWYER
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
FRANK REYNOLDS
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
LAWYER
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
DEE REYNOLDS
Why are you giving it to him?!
LAWYER
I'm not--
DEE REYNOLDS
She barely even knew him!
LAWYER
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
FRANK REYNOLDS
Where is that rat bastard?!
LAWYER
Sir, I don't know!
FRANK REYNOLDS
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
DENNIS REYNOLDS
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
LAWYER
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
DENNIS REYNOLDS
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
LAWYER
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
DENNIS REYNOLDS
I would never let him in.
FRANK REYNOLDS
What?!
LAWYER
Deandra?
DEE REYNOLDS
Yes.
LAWYER
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
DEE REYNOLDS
A mistake? We're twins.
LAWYER
Yeah...
DEE REYNOLDS
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
FRANK REYNOLDS
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
LAWYER
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
DEE REYNOLDS
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
FRANK REYNOLDS
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
DEE REYNOLDS
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
LAWYER
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
DEE REYNOLDS
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
FRANK REYNOLDS
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
DEE REYNOLDS
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
FRANK REYNOLDS
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
LAWYER
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
DENNIS REYNOLDS
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
LAWYER
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
DENNIS REYNOLDS
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
LAWYER
Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
LAWYER
[to himself] Jesus Christ.
-1
CHARLIE KELLY
Hey guys, check out who I met buying a crossbow. This dude is the shit.
ERNESTO
I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart!
CHARLIE KELLY
Yeah!
-1
FRANK REYNOLDS
I got a plan to get back at your mother!
DEE REYNOLDS
Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
FRANK REYNOLDS
That's insane!
DEE REYNOLDS
Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.