3
ANDRE
I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.
PETE
Is he...black?
ANDRE
How'd you know?
PETE
Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."
KEVIN
"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."
ANDRE
I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?
KEVIN
It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."
RUXIN
Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.
KEVIN
"...firecracker."
PETE
Spark plug.
KEVIN
Spark plug in the clubhouse.
RUXIN
Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.
KEVIN
Which is code word for "white."
RUXIN
Always a white guy.
KEVIN
Ichiro Suzuki is...
TACO
Inscrutable.
0
PETE
[on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.
RUXIN
I thought these were all Yellow Pages.
KEVIN
Why would I keep Yellow Pages?
RUXIN
Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?
KEVIN
Because this is my own personal research library.
PETE
[perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.
RUXIN
Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.
KEVIN
Those things are high-pressure situations.
PETE
Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds—what is cryptography?
KEVIN
You know what, that came in a set.
RUXIN
Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?
KEVIN
I should've hid that one.
RUXIN
You're a lawyer, Kevin.
KEVIN
It's full of common sense legal advice.
PETE
Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?
RUXIN
Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.